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Unintentional humor

Voice Card  -  Volume 25  -  Paul Card Number 2  -  Fri, Jul 24, 1992 9:46 AM







  • "Thieves stole more than $20 million worth of priceless art..."

    - WCVB newscaster Natalie Jacobsen

  • "I will stake my life on it that that didn't happen, but if it did, that person was acting in an unauthorized manner"

    - U.S. Presidential candidate Jerry Brown

  • "[The UN inspection team] will be conducting 12 surprise inspections of Iraqi sites."

    - Unidentified NPR commentator

  • "Through economic mismanagement the Tories dropped the election in our lap and we let it slip through our fingers."

    - Labour Party member Ken Livingston

  • "He's taken it in the shadow of the Great Southern Stand - although there are none today because the sun isn't out."

    - Clark Hansen, Radio 3LO

  • "JOHN REEVES, Spelling words correctly couldn't be any easier! Look it up in a flash with an electronic spell checker."

    - Radio Shack flyer sent to Jon Reeves

  • "Your subject is the football World Cup. It's not just football and it's not just the World Cup. It's the football World Cup."

    - Henry Kelly, BBC1 TV

  • "There is no way Ryan Giggs is another George Best. He is another Ryan Giggs."

    - Denis Law, BBC RADIO 4

  • "...and Tranmere Rovers are playing with a 5-man back four."

    - Commentator, Radio Merseyside

  • "He hangs his head - looks at the sky..."

    - Nigel Starmer-Smith, BBC2 TV

  • Jimmy Hill: "But you said it should have been a goal."
    Terry Venables: "No I didn't. I said it should have been a goal."
    Jimmy Hill: "So you've changed your tune then."

    - BBC1 TV

  • "It's all perfectly innocent," Barry Cole '93 said. "In fact I tucked in a girl, her boyfriend, and her roommate all together on Monday night."

    - Dartmouth College campus newspaper

  • "There is nothing better than the traditional glow of a radiator."

    - Australian electric utility advertisement

  • "Government alone cannot do what needs to be done by itself..."

    - U.S. President George Bush

  • "This smaller design is capable of flying faster than the speed of sound at speeds exceeding Mach 1."

    - Announcer on PBS show

  • "We're not the sort of party that does deals behind smoke-filled doors."

    - Brian Gould, ITN

  • "The Conservatives fear they may be side-tracked by a storm in an egg-cup."

    - John Cole, BBC1

  • Questioner: "Which of these words do you think best sums up your character?"
    Paddy Ashdown: "Er... perhaps 'decisive'?"

    - Channel 4

  • "...and now the declaration from Berwick-Upon-Tweed, Britain's most northerly constituency."

    - David Dimbleby, BBC1

  • "We said zero, and I think any statistician will tell you that, when you're dealing with very big numbers, zero must mean plus or minus a few."

    - William Waldegrave

  • "Let me explain, Nick - it is the key which turns the door in the lock."

    - Paddy Ashdown, Radio 4

  • "I was polled on the amount of radio I watched..."

    - Emma Freud, GLR

  • "Five and a half hours later psychiatric nurse Terri Reynolds was undergoing a life-saving operation under the skillful hands of Meath footballer Gerry McEntee"

    - The Connacht Tribune

  • "The oldest living survivor of the [sinking of the Titanic] has died."

    - Nanette Hansen, WMUR TV, Manchester, NH

  • "Heads of the main UK motor manufacturers are to meet with the Trade and Industry secretary today to discuss means of helping the UK car industry which is seen to be a driving force in the UK economy."

    - VNS #2598 Main News

  • "It's an annual four-year dance."

    - US President Bush

  • "Chris Lewis didn't bowl, then came in and scored thirty. A top all-round effort."

    - Alec Stewart

  • "And that's Aston Villa's first League goal since their last one."

    - Elton Welsby, ITV

  • "I'll leave the atmosphere to your imagination, but you can literally touch it."

    - Elton Welsby, ITV

  • "He [Francis Bacon] was probably our greatest living painter - until he died."

    - News presenter, LBC

  • "I've been up and down like a roundabout."

    - Marty Whelan, Century Radio

  • "Belts of rain will move across Scotland this morning, this afternoon, and this evening - in that order."

    - BBC1 Weather forecast

  • "We're going to focus on worldwide markets."

    - Business Plan

  • "BT [British Telecom] already protects against major network failures - but is planning more."

    - BT presentation in London

  • "A suspect car was blown up just minutes before she arrived to delight children at a Barnardos Nursery in Belfast."

    - Unidentified UK daily

  • "If Juha can keep Carlos in his behind, he will win the championship."

  • "But home is where you hang your friends, and I have friends here and a dozen friends in London and a dozen in San Francisco."

    - Alistair Cooke, interviewed by James Brady Parade Magazine, December 8, 1991

  • "In Maastricht the British Prime Major, Mr John Minister..."

    - News reader on BBC WS news Wed 11 Dec 1991

  • "These fine watches feature timeless designs...."

    - WBBM Radio commercial

  • "Inflationary pressure is still extremely moderate."

    - Unidentified economist on PBS

  • "We offer the party as a big tent. How we do that within the platform, the preamble to the platform, or whatnot, that remains to be seen. That message will have to be articulated with great clarity."

    - J. Danforth Quayle

  • Guest: My company makes kitchen tiles. Andrew O'Connor: And what type of kitchen tiles are they? Guest: They are the type you would expect to find in your kitchen.

    - BBC1 TV

  • "So you've finally nailed your mast to Neil Kinnock?"

    - Channel 4 TV, interviewer to Roy Hattersley

  • "As I've said before and I've said in the past..."

    -Kenny Dalglish, ITV

  • "For those of you who know the Selhurst Park ground, West Ham are playing from right to left."

    - Unidentified Commentator, BBC Radio 5

  • "I can't find the words to explain how mortified whoever was responsible for whatever happened must be."

    - Murray Walker, BBC2 TV

  • Trevor MacDonald: How was Mr Maxwell feeling in the last few days?
    Richard Stott (Mirror editor): He was in a very bouyant mood.

    - ITN

  • "Mr Maxwell was last seen walking alive on deck at 4.45 this morning."

    - Trevor MacDonald, ITN

  • "Robert Maxwell was discovered missing..."

    - Peter Snow, Channel 4 News

  • "It will take a long time for the waters to clear..."

    - Michael Parkinson, London Talkback Radio



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